Kill off all my demons....

Have just had a movie night by my self here at home. Relaxing, trying to leave the guilty feelings for not getting the things done that I planed to get done...

Starting with a sad one, letting some tears running down my cheek to get some of the tension out ot my body and mind. Sometimes you can just need to cry a bit, even if you not really sad...have you ever felt like that? I do, once in a wail...depending on life around me. And today I tried it out with "Grace is gone". And it worked. The tears flowed for a wail.

Afterwords I thought I should dare my self and hope not finding a too scary thriller here in my lonely darkness. So I rounded off with Transibirian. Yes, I know. Maybe a bit after in the movie world...but such life...you can't get time for everything you want.

But anyway...tonight I saw it...a quite good movie I believe...but the only thing that got stuck in my brain from it, was not really the story it self...it's a quote from the movie...

"Kill off all my demons, Roy, and my angels might die, too."

I found out that the original quote is from Tennessee Williams:

"If I got rid of my demons, I’d lose my angels"

And it's just so true. We people are amazingly good on trying to change other people without success. It's frustrating, I know. But is it ever possible to do a good work on a thing like that.
I'm not so sure about that. The only one that can change me am me. And the only one that can change you are you....so way all this energy on trying to change others instead of our self?

I'm trying to do my best with changing myself. It don't go fast, but it goes. But as my second quote from the movie says: "Life is a journey, not a destination". In other words, I'm on my journey, in both body and mind, and I planing on keeping it going.

The feeling of a curse

Now I definitely know, now I got the last prof....I'm cursed....

Me and my cars. I have been told that I probably easily could keep a blog only about me and my cars. But no, then I have to see it in the eyes to often. But today it's just to much anyway...so way not.

I can't neither cry or laugh. I just feel a empty calm, coldness, tiredness. And one conclution, just do not never ever trust them....never...the cars I mean...

They just make up evil plans. Will see how much problem you can handle and stand before you break. And yes, I have been close, very close. But I still choose, I choose to be happy, or at least to not be too sad. At least I have learned something new today, how to mount back a loose alternator belt...that I haven't done before.

Thanks for helpful people, that it still possible to fine someone of you out there. Life should be so much harder without you....

We don't want to see

It's so much around us we don't want to see or know about, because it's just too much and we feel too small in the big evil world.

One that dare to see, and trying to show is Stephanie Sinclair.

I don't gone try to explain my feelings right now. But please, just check out this video:

Feelings in the crushed mirror

Have you ever felt like you been put down in a blender, so all your feelings get totally sliced and mixed up, thrown around and put back inside you with a feeling of emptiness because they are to many, equalize each other even if so strong?

Or like you see different parts of yourself, if you watched yourself in a crushed mirror lying in small pieces underneath you? Small small parts of you as person. Your mind, your personality, your thoughts, your feelings, your past future and present mixed up at the same time on the same place, from different angles and in different light.

I have, and I don’t know how many times. But as many times at it is, as many different ways they have been mixed. And sometimes it‘s just so liberating after a visit at that place.

Some of the times I meet that place, is when I see the film “Lost and delirious”. Don’t know what it is, but every time I see it, it come so close, deep inside. Different parts depending on time and place. But always so strong.

No one of the characters are like me, I haven’t been in any of their situations. But small parts of their personalities and feelings, mixed up together in a blender, can make parts of me when I see the crushed mirror on my way passing bye.