Can muscles speak?

I can't understand why the body don't can just cooperate with me. I have learnd that the body and all it's muscles want to be used by me. But now days I'm not so sure about how true that is.

If that should be true, why should the body punish me as it does?
Last saturday I was on Yoga for the first time. Relaxing, streaching, good feeling, tiering but nice. And about 36 hours after, the muscles start to say what they thought about it. Some kind of pain.

Now I have spent two days here up in the snowy mountins skiing. And already this morning it started. And now in the evening the muscles once again start to say what they think about this whole thing. Why can they just don't be happy for me using them?

I guess that right now the question is mostly about stubbornness who is going to win the fight tomorrow morning. Because I'm loading for one more day in the slope before we go back home on sunday.

My experiance tells me that it's possible to get quite far on stubbornness, so I hope it works even against this...

Work break...winterland, here I come...

After some days stuck in front of the computer, enjoying the time getting in to the world of code and creativity. It's now time to a break.

Its with mixed feelings I go away with parts of my family up to the winterland, for some skiing and maybe some other adventure. Probably gone be a great time, playing around with my loved nephew.

Yet, I cant' realy let go of the feeling of some stress and irritation that I gone miss my computer, and to have the time learning more. But I know I have one and a half week left more in sweden after this days too, before it's time for the sea. So I have time for it to...

So now I gone try to relax and just have fun and try to not think to much of the things I want to do here at home....strange that it can be so fun to work that you create things for it your self.

Anyway....have to run...hope to be back in one piece after the weekend.

Find your glow

Some times I wonder what it is that makes the difference. But I know it does in someway. Your mind and your mental state makes a difference in how people see you, your look and your personality.

It affect you and the movement around you. How people treats you, and how you see your self. How much you manage in time and energy. One thing leads to another.

Days when you feel that the world lays under your feet. You just are happy in your self, doing things you like, and belive in that good things are going to happend. Those days gives you an extra energy. It's like it's spreads in the air around us. That the aura grows and almost make us shiny.

To find a way to live, where you can have days that gives this energy. That should be so much worth, for one and all of us. Of course you probably have some better days and some worse. That's probably impossible to get away from. But it's too many people that don't have any of this days any more. And I refuse to believe that it has to be like that, that people can't start to shine again.

And when a individual are there it's usualy an contagious thing. The movement that starts around them is usualy not only good things happening them personaly. It's also like they sending away loaded electrons to the people they meet. And some of the recipients merge with it for a moment, and it tries to open the looked door to the inner rooms. But then it's up to the recipient to make the choice and the work. Because no one can do it or find it for you. That you have to do for your self.

And nor do I belive that all people can find this energy in the same way. Why should all people be in need of the same things, be happy of the same things or dream about the same things? We are individuals! And I belive that makes a big difference for each of us in which needs we realy have, and what we need to find.

Don't forget the reality, but try to find YOUR way to YOUR energy and your own happiness. It is out there somewhere...

Toys toys toys...me likes...

Usualy I have different periods when I prioritize different things in life. Neither is time or money usualy enough in my life to do and have everything I wish to. And for a wail I have been given priority to experience, social life with family and friends, and now says start up with some projects for my self.

But today my carving of material things started to stir for a moment. I have spent the day on a exhibition for bikes, atvs and other nice toys. Things things and more funny things. And I wish I had my house with the barn or large garage for the space and the money for possibility to buy all many of this funny things. Have possibility to choose depending on day and temper. Race, custom, cross-country or what ever. That should be so much fun :)

And who knows. Maybe I gone be able to experience that some day in my life if I still want to. But today I have to choose between the alternatives. And I wonder if I should start to listen more to the side of me that longs quite much after adrenaline and speed, or if I should keep on listening to the more careful and sensible part of me that got me to start with the custom bike from the beginning.

Hard to settle. Probably should sleep on it a couple of nights before I make some rashed impulse item of bigger size.

But dreaming is always permissible...

Meditational exhibition

We opened the door and steped in. In the same second we got surrounded of an atmosphere filled with calm and peace. A relaxing background sound meeting the ears in a driping way at the same time my eyes take in the sight of a glimery water feeling reflecting up on a big screen on the other side of the room.

The most of the room is filled with water, full of brightly-coloured carps swiming around in the smooth and still world. It's one spotlight shining up the place. With strong intensity it focus down to the middle of the water where you can see the carps playing around.
In the other end of the room you have the screen picking up the reflections from the light meeting the water surface. And everytime any one of the carps touch at the surface it gives us a direct reaction and a new nice pattern shows up and moves around in the reflected area on the screen.

A couple of times you could see the timing between the music in the background and the movement of the Carps. When they thoutch the surface in the exact right time and strength to create a movement in the pattern on the screen that growing stronger in the same rate as the music. Impressive...

Have just been visiting a very nice exhitition. A meditational meeting between me and "Taptim" made of the artist Frerik Wretman, that you can see on Färgfabriken here in Österund for the moment.

It's a meeting with nature in a humen made world, a meeting between something organic in a way that leads to something that gives a feeling of digital creation.

So nice, and very interesting...an yet so simple.

If you have the chans you should see it with your own eyes. It's impossible to recreate in words.
In other case you maybe can see a gleam of it in one of SolSkuggas comming musicvideos, where she is going to work with that as a background. That going to be an interesting combination. Looking forward to see it.

The vulnerable society

It’s cold outside, freezing cold. And in the middle of work in the studio all electricity died around us. The lights went out, the internet got down, and we got standing as question mark. We all four went out from the rooms we were working in and looked at each other. What now? And then we sat down and just chatted, relaxed and took a cup of tea/coffie. We got more social instead =)

But once again I god a reminder about how vulnerable we humans have made our self. The most of us in this country totally hand over the responsibility to someone else to deliver warmth and light to us. And we count on that they can handle it to 100%. We get surprised when they can’t handle this responsibility, and quite fast we feel naked and vulnerable.

Could we make it if we need to live life without electricity? We should need to learn a totally different life. We should probably need to listen even more to the older people with more and longer experience in life, that knows more about the old days and the “harder life”. Then the rules should change around a bit in the whole society.

Some times I believe we have spoilt our self a bit too much. I do like new stuff, technique, computers definitely, and interesting things happening around us. But are we making our self to depending on other?

Feeling of Hope

The warming sun shins down from a clear and blue sky. I feel a calm and happiness in my body when I’m sitting and watching out over the Swedish countryside and landscape passing bye, and letting Teiturs Faeroes tones reach my ears and make the feelings even stronger.

I can see all the trees swishing by, together with small villages, a bit of water now and then, and everything swimming around in the sunshine. After a wail it’s almost like I can see the snow growing up from the ground. It not much yet, but it’s a bit white lightening up a bit of the dark green and grey the nature show up this time a year. I am sitting on a train on the way a bit north, to Östersund where one of my loved friends has moved to. I am going to spend a week there, full of projects and fun. I feel the inspiration in both my body and mind.

And the already good feelings I had when I started this day got even more energy on the way. When I started the trip I picket up a Metro paper on the run. Even if I know it’s kind of important to be following a bit of what happening in the world. I usually have difficulties to stay reading newspapers and see news on the tv. It’s to much negative influences. They always shows all problems and all depressing things with the world. If I’m supposed to be staying here on this earth, hopefully for many years to come, I need to see the hope. And I’m not the only one.

I have for a long time been thinking of if it was possible to create a place for happy and positive news to be seen, where hope can be given. And in the Metro Newspaper it was a article where they had been talking with Bosse Angelöw about this. That we need to see hope, and get a balance in the information. And Bosse has been writing a book about good things that happens in the world, “Glädjerapporten” (≈ Report of happiness). I haven’t seen the book yet, so don’t know much more about it. But everything don’t need to be so dark.

I’m a girl that put the problems in the world, and the problems in my own life aside for a moment, to just enjoy the beauty in life, in the nature passing by, and in people I meet.

To fight against made up laws

For a wail now I have start to feel pugnacious agains the thought that I'm not allowed to feel that I am good enough on anything. That I can something about alot of things, but not enough to stand up for what I'm doing and that I do a really good work.

For me it is a matter of course that I don't know "enough". Because enough mean that you don't need to learn more. And I can probably never agree with that. It's always alot more to learn about everything. But on the way I need to get to points for different things where I feel that I'm good enough to stand for what I'm doing. I'm not the best and I'm not the worst but I am me.

In sweden we still have some problems with what we call "jantelagen", or what they in austalia call the "tall poppies syndrome". An unwritten law we grow up with. It's about that you not supposed to belive that you are something special.

I have nice and decent followed the line. Working hard in the dark corners and not made much of a sound anywhere. That has probably slowed me down quiet much.
But simultaneously with that my dreams has been growing through the years, I have start to make fissures in the solid shell of "nobody-ness". And lately I feel like I have started to bend this fissures apart with my bare hands.

I starting to take steps out in the world. In work, with friends, in the cyber, in projects. I dear to show a bit more of my self, my mind and my life. What I'm doing and what I wish to do. Reflekting my dreams and at the same time lighting up a bit of my path.

It's still not that I think I'm better then every one else. But I think I can manage things. I belive in my self in another way then before. But I still love to hear other peoples adventures, experiences and lifes etc. Every person has there own story, and every person has something you can learn from him/her.

Some times I can feel like I am a fighter in a quiet mouse body. Maybe it's time to live that mouse home alone at the cage a bit more in the future and dear to go on with challengeing my self. I'm not only the quiet girl in the corner any longer.

Singel-track minded peolpe

Sometimes I feel so sad about how people function and act. Why we just seems too be so extreamly singel-track minded.

Can't we spend time with one another just because we having alot of fun together, air our opinions about nothing and everything, give one another some good laughter and just enjoy the company of each other.

Why should it be so impossible for grown-ups to be good friends without including sex? Does everything need to end up in sex? Is the nice company I spend, with people I want to see as friends, nothing worth if they don't get the last part?

That gets me to feel like I'm only there for one thing. It makes me sad that the meeting with me as person don't seem to be more worth then a nice lay. And it makes me sad that I need to be loosing friends like them totaly.

It actually feels like it's about paying with sex to get friendship and nice social times. But that's not what I'm intrested in. I want to get to know people that can spend time together for fun, for growing and for enjoymend in life without the ulterior motive to end up with getting a lay.

I actually have a couple of friends that have this rare way to be able to be close. We talking, discussing, dreaming and sharing thoughs about almost everything. Working together, doing funny things together, and just lay on the side of one another long nights. But by the time you get older, it seem to just get harder to find this rare people.

I just hope I gone meet more of you out there some where. I know we can't be alown, even if we not equipet with the most common state of mind.

Lost

So easy you can deceive your self. Or atleast I can. I have for a long time known that I have a bit of a lack about local content. But I actuallt started to belive that I had got a little bit better on it, and feelt quite good about it.

But no way. I'm not so sure about that one any longer.

I'm at present in Hamburg with the boat. And yesturday me and one of my colleagues went up to city centre for a nice meal and a walk through some stores. It feelt very good and we just had a nice time away outside our bunker we usualy spend the most of the time in.

We went all the way up there. And on the way back we choosed between walking back or taking the underground a couple of stations. But it was a very nice, even if cold, evening. So why not walk abit more. We know how we got here, so it can't be too difficoult to find back.

And it started out quite good. We found the direction we got from. But then we thought we maybe coult get a bit of variation by taking another way just on the side that looked nice. And so we did. The only thing was that it seems like that way turned a bit in wrong direction without me realy notice it. So after a wail when we start to feel that we didn't recognized anything any longer, we found a map at a undergroundstation. We found out that we in some way had ended up in the opposite side of city centre, even if we started walking in the right direction from the beginning. So then we ended up taking the underground a couple of stations anyway...

But I trying to learn to see things positive. And for the moment we had no time to watch, or no one waiting for us or anything. So we just got the chanse to see abit more nice parts of the town. And also try out the undergroundssystem. So not much to complain about.

I probably just should take it as a reminder to not trust my feeling for local content to much... =)

Communication and life

Then some days had just run away again. I'm out at sea and have had quite much to do the last days. Feels good to be here. I just love it, and hate it. Usualy at the same time =)

But right now it's maybe not realy hate. More the irritated, stressed, chocked feeling wandering around inside me. Once again I have got reminded about the importens of good communication.

I can't realy see how difficult it should be to go out in time when things are decided and inform people that in some way can be affected. In some companies it can affect some persons if a "main system" close down for a couple of weeks even if the activity for the moment not are running. Other parties can maybe be needing big amounts of information or something like that. And with a preworning with e-mail about 3 hours before the shutdown at same time with other work running, it some times can be difficoult to prepare a couple of weeks work for a couple of different persons. But for some companies that maybe normal procedure, what do I know.

But it's not only in the world of companies and business that communication is very importent. It's even more important among friends, family and loved ones. Not talking and not knowing is usualy alot more painful then it should need to be.

Maybe it not always possible to have it like that, with good communication I meen. But to guess what's happening with someone that you don't see or don't hear from, you have no idea about the answer. And at least my brain often tries to tell me the worse alternative instead of the nicest and best. Don't realy understand why it's needed to be like that, but it's very easy to get there especialy in some specific areas in life. That a person can't answere the phone for the moment don't meen you need to be ignored. To not get an aswere on a mail, don't need to meen that the person ever want to see you again. And to not get contact in any way for a wail don't meen the person necessarily gone disappear for ever out of your life. Maybe they just are a bit busy for the moment, a bit drunk, having problems with the technique, or maybe all at the same time.

I probably just hate the thought about loosing people I love...