Horrible thought

Today it just came from now where. An insight in the middle of everything else through the day. It has been here in front of me for a long time. But in a moment I saw it in another light and with other eyes.

If you don't know I can tell you that I right now sitting working on a boat at the North Atlantic. Here we have, as at many other companies, restrictions and an Internet policy. As a result of that we can't surf all type of sites, and the it-man and web sense decides what sites is or is not available to surf on. But the difference here from many other companies is that I don't get home in the evening and can do whatever I want on my own computer. I'm still here, and they still decide.

And now you maybe wonder where I'm trying to get with this.

If companies and government are supposed to decide what we can read, see and do on the Internet. Then the Internet for the whole people is going to be like here onboard or even worse, controlled and slanted. They don't believe there people to be in majority enough to decide what we want to read, see or do. Today I just realized that even if I can do allot from here, and I survive without the rest as long as I'm here, it should be a whole other thing if it was for a whole country or the whole Internet.

I should just feel it so humiliating and as a declaration of incapacity if it shouldn't be our own choice what we want to read, see or do. And not enough with that. They also open up for the next step of brainwashing.

We already now have a media range of newspapers and TV channels that trying to decide what we should think and like. They choose what and how they want to tell us or not. And if we didn't had a chance to make our own choice to search our own information from different sources if we liked to, what should we then believe in, and what would they try to tell us?

I still believe in the right of information, the right of speech, and the right of democracy and I still believe in a majority people that should be adult enough to make their own decision.

We are in a time where the blogosphere is full of fighters for freedom and democracy, people’s right to Internet, freedom of speech and so on. And you can find quite much news articles about the same subjects even if it’s with some other slants maybe. The people living in the time of the Internet are not going to be quiet this time. As more I read as more I get the feeling that it is a war coming. The question is in what dimension and how it gone express. But my believe is that it's on its way. In Sweden the FRA and IPRED laws have got at least some people to react, but then the Swedish government already has taken decisions I never thought should happen.

I can just wish that we never gone give up our believes and hopes.

Who decides the development?

Is it possible to change or stop development? If it's sufficient many people that do one thing or want one thing, can you change that movement of development?

I started to think more about this again now as the Pirate Bay trial are debated allot. I talked with a friend about that the big movie and music companies need to find new ways to go on. That it probably not gone be the same extreme moneys to earn. And my friend then made a interesting simile about that if it was some people that 2018 own some roads, and they decide that people only gone be allowed to drive horse and carriage on this specific roads. Should people stop drive cars then? My guess is that they shouldn't.

But it's not only about downloading and this trial. It's about many things and areas. Just such a thing that we still don't have any well known cars on the market that don't need petrol (or ethanol) to work. Who stops the development? Sometimes you can hear rumor about someone managed to develop a car driving on water or whatever. But still, you never see anything on the market. They say that the oil is going to end, and I believe we gone get a really severe time then. But some were, for me it feels that no one get the chance to show us any solutions. Who and why that is trying to stop it, I gone let be unsaid for now...

Time to wake up

Okay, I confess. I have been really bad on caring about what happening around in the world, in my country and in the society I live in. I have had a period of time when I considered myself needed to think of myself in the first place and didn't had so much energy to care about everything else.

But sometimes it can't stay down, this feeling of irritation and disappointment over humanity and people with "power". And I start to realize that it's not only good to turn a blind eye to everything happening around me. What if every one else should do the same?

Even if I'm for the moment sitting out at sea working on a boat, with some restrictions of the use of Internet I do can reach quite much information anyway. And I start to read a couple of blogs from an old friend of mine and it felt like I started to wake up a bit again.

If you don't already know I can tell you that right now it's a trial in Sweden against the people behind The Pirate Bay. It has made the blogosphere hot and steamy. People report, discuss and make their standpoint clear.

I have only been reading an extremely little bit of everything that says about this whole thing. And my first reaction is that it's just an unfair combat between superpowers of states and companies, and on the other side the human beings, there rights, democratic will and dreams about the future.

Right now my hope and wish is that whatever the verdict of this trial gets, I hope it gone wake more people up then me.



The Swedish blog that was a part of helping me to wake up again:
http://jimmy.arogen.net/?p=143

Peace and calm

And the decision anxiety was over for now. And I realize that I had forgot how good it feels to have taken a special decision.

Ya, my brother tried to remind me the other day. But it didn't helped at all for the moment. He tried to be so helpfull and I could just don't see it.

But some where it feels like when I had reached a maximum level of anxiety and agony, my brain just gave up. I'm to tierd, I stop thinking so much and I do what I maybe should have done earlier to avoid all this. I go to action.

And actually I do it on two fronts at the same time. When I reached the limit for the last decision I had to take, I maybe realiced that I needed to do the same on an other area of life too, to be able to go on.

I got to the conclusion that if I don't try I never gone know. If I don't do anything the time just gone run out, and I still gone stand there wondering it things could have been different.

And then I probably should not think so little about myself either. And dare to let go a bit more of the fear to make mistakes. I have come a bit on the way with that one. But it's still more to go...

But to take the decisions and make a action have right now just filled me with a strange type of peace and calm that spread itself out in my whole body. It feels like I had forgot how it was to be relaxed. And even if I know that it's more steps on the way, answeres to get and so on. Right now I have just landed in a big cloud of calm.

Constant decision anxiety

How come that it always need to be something. Am I not alowed to get a easy moment for my brain anytime?

Ying and yang, some bad and some good. Or maybe good against good or bad against bad. One thing against another. Take this and leave that, leave this and get that, heads or tails.

I know I probably shouldn't hate it at all. Me, that dreams about the free life. And if that shouldn't contain options then it probably should be something strange.

But still...I can just feel someone put there hand through my navel, grab my intestine and turning it around time after time. I can almost hear the blood pumping in my ears when the heart increasing the speed. And someone else could probably see how it start to come out smoke from them too, as the braincells start to have a raveparty with out my permission.

When it's about some routings in my life I have soooo difficoult to both know and decide what I want and what should be best. Where to live? How to live? Career ladder, no career ladder? With whom, for whom? So many "to be or not to be".

Sometimes it feels like it should be so much easier just to be one of them with the dream about the little family or about the mapped way in the career life.

But it feels like my dreams is in another world. And I'm just trying to match the steps I need to take here in every routing I passing by. Where to put down the next foot....

What is logic

Usualy I like logical problems. I have got to know that I'm not to bad of logical thinking in different ways. To see patterns in IQ tests is quite fun, and usualy not too hard if it wasent for the time pressure sometimes.

And logical thinking is something that can be needed in many situations in life.

I have so many times heard that computers is logical. They can't do anything them self, but just what they have been told. And they follow it in a logical way. Hmmm, but I don't know if I want to agree totaly any more.

Yes, I know programming is very logic. That's probably why I like it. And I know computers are programmed. But somewhere along the way something have to happend. I think it happends so much strange things in the computers, they have an own life. I just haven't figure out who, how and where it all comes alive. Someone haveing any clue to give me?

Untill then I probably have to go on with my own small wars against the non logical happenings in the world of "logical" computers.

Gold medal to patient parents

I love children, I realy do. My special prince is my 3,5 year old nephew. But after beeing away in a cottage in the snowy mountins for some days together with 6 other adults, one 3,5 year old, one 8 month old, and two dogs. I'm kind of tierd in my head, and have a bit of a lack of patience.

Even if I'm used to have people around I usualy need some moments of silence and relaxation. I could manage this days, when I know that after this I could go back home to my place in my own loneliness. But it's something else for the parents for this small children.

I also had the benefit to be allowed to go away, or shut down my ears when it was "fights", when fatigue and obstinacy stand agains each other, when tears spurts and there is not enough air in the lungs to scream more. Because I'm not the one with the responsibility. But it's something else for the parents.

It's one thing to be the nice aunt that comes with presents some time just because I want to. Playing around and making funny things. Or help out leaving to the day nursery sometimes to give him a bit more sleep in the morning. That's one thing, and I love it. But be a parent?!

I give all credit to all patient parents. Maybe it is like one of my friends sad, "I belive that when you get a child you also get extra patience". And I'm totaly willing to belive in that one.

Gold medal to patient parents of small children!