From the world of the stories

Today I belive it was the first time I saw a real descendant of "rumpnissarna", the small, lost and cute beings in Astrid Lindgrens story about Ronia, the Robber's Daughter. She just stod there on the side of the queue in a clothing shop. A small slender girl, light in skin and hair, with a face so much reminding of them.

And as usual I let my thoughts run away for a wail when I satt down just a moment to eat before I should go on with the slalomrace between all people out in the shops.

I wonder how it should be if they were there for real. The beings in Astrid Lindgrens stories, or any other fantasy story too. Walking around among us just like anyone. Or should we humens go together against them, instead of fighting against ourselves as we do now. We have difficulties to accept differences among us human beings. So could we be able to accept other beings around us too, apart from the animals in the woods? Should we envy them for there appearance, ability or powers? And what should happend with all mystical feelings around there stories and worlds? The beauty, longing, dreaming and even eroticism around for example the fairys. Should it still be there? Or is the only thing that makes it, that it's actualy not true? That our brain work it out it self. And if they actualy was here, then whole mystery should disappear. Or should our minds create other new type of beings instead?

Many questions, and of course no answers.
I maybe can ask someone in the dreamlands tonight. I probably should go there soon. Need to get up tomorrow morning. It's time to sign on for some workdays on the boat again, time to get back to my "second home". And some hours sleep before that it's not too bad.

Frost, worldproblems and dreams

Just got inside after transporting myself to a friends place. In a couple of moments on the way I was surrounded of a world in silver and crystal. It's no snow out there, but it's degrees below freezing point and the frost takes over the world, shiny and glimmery. It gives the views new light, new feeling, and it's like the nature wants to remind me about its beauty that it actuallt has even this time a year.

It's like the nature shows it's strength and weakness at the same time. I could hear every move I made, rustle under my feets. I get the feeling of a need to be carefull. Is it a risk that I destroy something if I slip just an inch? Am I doing prints for a longer time? It's a dreamland in the middle of the reality.

It remindes me about my self and my dreams. Can you choose to see things in different ways? The world today is not only a nice place. It's definitly not. It's extreamly lot of evilness and illness, war and poverty, and upon that the now ongoing finance crisis. And ya, I know it's there. But if I should think too much about it I should go down. My mind and my wallet are too small to handle it, even if my heart and my soul wish something else. So for the moment I make my choice to turn a blind eye to the most of this things, the weaknesses in the world and in us humens (even if I'm for example are "worldparent" and support UNICEF). Instead I try to live a bit in my own dreams, concentrate on develop myself, my dreams and my future to something positiv that I self belive in. And gradually I hope I can make more contribution for people oaround me and out in the world. But I belive I have to start with my self first, to have a stable ground under my feet before I start to take to big steps.

Ya, I know. The thoughts can take stranges ways. And this was the way from the frosty trees outside, to the big problems out in the world. Don't ask how I got there. But the mind is a mystery on it's own ;)

The time of waiting...

Is it possible to be physicaly sick of yearning and anxiety?

I often try to get my self to belive that I'm not getting too attach to people I start to like, or that I'm not depending on anyone, in "wrong way".

I do have friends I realy care about. But it's extramly few I let in to my most holy. And when I have got that far, it's with people I never want to lose, never want disappearing from my life. If it's as partners, lovers, friends or what ever, that the future has to show. But my fear is to need to loose them totaly.

Last night I wrote a message to someone that means alot for me, some one I have let in further then I earlyer thought. I don't regret it, but I'm afraid for the painfull process I now maybe have to go through.

Today I woke up to a nervous and painfull waiting. I have been feeling almost feverish all day, as long as no one else distract my thoughts. And the burning pain in the chest, that has been moving around remind me about the black hole in there.

I still haven't got any answer, and I can't do anything else then wait.
I need to find my trust in the future, and believe that the right things happends in the end. What ever they may be.

Have trust...

What about the Christmas spirit

Christmas Eve has almost past by. I have had a very calm and nice day mostly together with my father, in waiting for the rest of the family and Christmas celebration tomorrow.

Even if I have a great time with my family, I can't stop longing after my friends and loved one's. I know I'm blessed that have a family that love one another, and I appreciate the time with them.

And maybe I shouldn't care so much. But I had a wish to hear a voice I realy miss, from a person I'm realy longing for. To feel the emptynes inside me even if I probably don't have the right to it, a frustrating feeling.

And I also know that I have friends around that don't have a so pleasent and placid holiday. I wish I could do something for them. But not this year. Maybe I can manage that for comming years. It's to many in our society that think this is the worst time a year. And I understand it, but it's sad. And I just wish I can do some difference for some one somewhere.

But I probably just should feel happy about having my family around. And be able to spoil the little prince in a valid way =) So I try to keep my mind to that.

And bye the way, isen't it strange. We have the picture about that Christmas should be white to be "real". And in some way, even if the winters is mostly only grey, wet, soaking and dark the christmas usualt manage to give some snow. This year it didn't came before afternoon today, but it came. Not much, but enough to see the flakes dance down from the sky. Some one decides to do what he can to give the holiday the right feeling =)

Happy Christmas you all! Enjoy all good food and candy!

Who controls who

How easy are people to manipulate, govern or influence? How much of an own will and desire can we keep when people around us says or see things different?

In the middle of all Christmas preparation and organisation of life at home, I took a break for a couple of hours to see a movie I thought could be good. And it was good. Not in the great movie type of way, and definitely not a Christmas feel good story or so on. But it was good as reminder, about people and the world. Die Welle brings up alot of questions. About a group of young people that didn't belive it was possible that a new dictatorship could be created this days. But they got convinced in a very clear but disastrous way.

Ya, I know it's an "old" story. And that it has been other movies about "the wave". But I still think it's good to see something like this. It shows how easy it can be that groups creates with strange aim, when people don't think for them self or don't dare to stand up for them self.

I know that the influence of a group usualy is very strong. And it's very easy to let things go. But the question is how far would I let it go for my self? I can't tell. Maybe I should be one of them that from the begining thought it was a fun idea, and then just couldn't see when we passed the line...

Calm and harmonic evening

A week full of time with family and friends. Have been meeting my little prince three times through this week. That's unusual that it's so short time between. But it has been great. I love that little monster to nephew. And I have meet the rest of the family too, and some more relatives.

I have been hanging around with with Sol o Mattias, dinners, discussions and alot of fun. I surprised and meet up with my old studiefriends on there examination day. Haven't seen them for a wail. So it was alot of fun to have a couple of hours together with them again.

Then I just felt for some time for me and my self. So even if I have been driving around quite much this week I took the car once again. Back home, home sweet home. And once again I realize how much home I feel here even if I "just is an inherent". Even if it's not my own house, and even if I dreaming abouta house, this is my real home for now.

And the most of the day I have just been spending trying to organice a bit of my self here again. It's difficult to get any order in things when you don't have so very much space. But I make my attempts.

Now my plan is to go to bed together with and early christmas present to my self, a new book =)

Have nice dreams!

A childs creativity

Today I have been meeting my prince again. A smart guy that has alot to teach me.

To play around with my 3,5 year old nephew, try to follow his thoughts, realy listen to what he is saying. Then I think it's sad that we "grown up" lose so much of it. To see his eagerness about something he has built in Lego. He hasn't learnd to follow the buildingplans yet, and I can't do other then try to guess what he is creating. But I can see in his eyes that he sees it clear. The cars, the garage, the tools and so on. He can see it all, when I just see coloured plastic pieces in blocks. I'm trying hard to get in to his world, and I like the feelings, the innocence, the easy pleased happiness, and the extreamly creative dreamworld.

I should offer alot to get a bit more of that back in my own life. But how do you do it?

For some days ago a friend of mine came with the idea that we maybe should give everyone toys in christmas gifts. See the reactions, see a bit of the child come back if just for a moment.

The children definitely has alot to teach us all. To see things with other eyes, and to enjoy small things in life.

about 4 in the morning

I sitting in my bed once again, surfing around through the night hours unable to let my poor eyes and body fall in to rest. For every minute passing by the whole me gets more restless, feels that I should had and need to fall asleep. But when you have start turning the hours around, it difficoult to turn them back without a whip over your back.

So I at least tryed to make something out of the time. Surfing around on blogs about economy, networking and freedom. And also started to see some video clips from speaches. And I stubled over this one.

If the videclip don't work, you find it at http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/rives_on_4_a_m.html

I just have to say, exapt for that he is a very good and funny speaker. I also thought about the title of the speach "Is 4 a.m. the new midnight?"
Good question. In my world it absoulutey could. At midnight as it is now, it's usualy more of evening time for me. But I know it's not for all. My poor brother almost has to walk up when I go to sleep. But at the same time I know it's people that has even more time differences then me. I belive the ryth of time got more conplicated and confused since we got electricity and don't need to live life the light hours on the day. Although I'm ofcourse not one of them that can say anything about the time before that.

But now the time is stumbling against the macig 4 a.m. and I should realy try to get some sleep...

Awful development

Just been listening to my mum and her friend when they got in to a discussion about the tecnical development. How they don't trust what happening when they don't see things. How can ju for example trust a email to arive to the right sender, "the adress maybe change on the way?".

They talket about how much things it has to be flying around in the air around us, and ended up with a thought about the risk for a aeroplane to crash in to samething of it.

I just got a very interesting reminder about how differend we see things. They strugling but trying to learn using the basics of surfing, emailing or writing in word. Feels lost but realise that they have too.

I feel curious, but also lost manytimes. But i think it's fun, gives alot of opportunities. I wish to learn new things and trying to understand. I often can feel unknowing, behind, and confused because it is so many new things all the time around us, and I can only see a very small part of it. But even if I don't think all development is good, I atleast curies about it and like alot of it.

But I don't say not to that it can be very frightening when you think of what the future can give...

Easy movie with alot to say

Have just seen a movie, very easy and lovely but at the same time so full of thoughts, recognition of dreams and truth about confusion in life.

Vicky Cristina Barcelona

It was for me to look in to two parts of life that I have been dueling between in my own head and heart alot for the last weeks. The good calm girl, together with the good, nice, handsom man on the way to the wedding day and knowing her future. Against the confused, creative, passionated and luck seeking girl that know what she don't dream about but not exactly sure about what she wants.

It's a fight that can give quite much complication when you meet people in life that you realy get to love, but you can manage to explain your dreams and the life you seek and you can't get the parts to match together.

Both before and after the movie me and my closest friend have had a day full of planing, thinking, dreaming, wishing, and planning some more, for projects and hopes for the future. I have the last days come back to the burning feeling of passion for my dreams about a free life.

So ya, it was a movie that came right in time to give my self some laughter and some distance to my own confusion.

A wonderfull night

After the sluggish start of the day I could never belive that yesturday should be so rewording. Full of truth, joy, grief, dreams, past, future and so on.
Three close friends in one bed for hours laughing, crying, talking and listening. The whole thing started with the game "truth or consequense" and ended up in deep and loving discussions between friends.

It was all about an opendness and honesty, between three friends with all shields down. Something that you usualy don't meet in the world as it is today. And it just feelt so wonderfull.

Strong magnetic feeling

I don't know if you recognize it. But I feel it some days. The strong magnetic feeling in the bed when you trying to wake up. First you have to fight it just to get the eyes up. And then you yet can't move any part of your body, and the quilt move it self back over your head and let you disappear in to the darknes were you don't need to care about anything, just be without feeling anything in a place of nothing.

But ya, as usual you know. You have to get out from there. Wake up and start the day. And you just need to get started with something, and you me a bit more humen for every moment that pass.

And now, when the time past the most of the day for "classic normal people" counting. Then I start too feel ready. Ready to think, and to make some use. And soon I'm on the road, on the way for a new info meeting to learn new things in a new group. Intresting, I gues. And I'm looking forward to see what it has to offer.

I'm going on searching around and finds new ways to go =)

A reminder

Sitting in a house out on the country side, out in the forest. The new resident for a couple of good friends. And already after the first steps over the threshold I feelt the feeling again, one I had forgot for a wail. The dream about my own house...

I want a house, out in the forest, close to the sea/lake/ocean. A place to feel home, feel calm and have open doors for friends and family. A place for alot of fun, work, and enjoyment in a nice inspireing blend.

I don't know were or when. But I know it going to happend.
I don't know how it gone look, but I belive it just gone feel right when we finde each other.

For now I have a great place to live. I live as lodger in a house owned of a extreamly nice man and friend. A person I didn't at all knew when I moved in for one and a half year ago, and it couldn't had become better. But ya, it's a living for now, for a wail more. Until the day I feel, for some cause, it's time to move on.

Maybe to my house, or maybe not. But some day I gone be there. I know it gone happend, and I long for it. But it gone happend when the time is right =)

One of this days

Today I'm back to one of this days where I'm thinking alot. Mostly about the blessings and the curses with living in a desire for a free life. The dream about a mind of freedom, geographical freedom, financial freedom and so on.

But some times I think the price to pay can be to much. But it's difficoult to cut down your dreams and back off. Maybe it's possible for a wail. But in the long run, it can't be good to give up to much of your self.

In some ways I have a very free life. I'm working at sea about every second month. And even if I'm stuck at place out there for the moment then, I have the other six month of the year to do what ever I like. I have just start to get used to it, and I try to figure out the best way to use the time for me as person.

But the price is some times high. The feer of getting to close, to get stuck, and to loose my dreams. But that makes it a bit of a lonely life. I can run but I can't hide.

I have for a wail been very close to a person I love. But because of my feeling of not being able to fit in to the expected structur of the relationship. And you take the "easy way out" to run. But it's not so easy as you may think from the begining. It's tough, hard and sad. Full of longing, thoughts and confusion. And I just trying to find out were all this are going to lead. Is it possible to find this two lifes to melt together? Haven't found the solution yet.

In the meantime I try to figure out that part of life, I'm going on with my mini projects, start of small personal business, and the longing of learning new things.

The only thing I have to keep on beliving is that the future has alot of good things to give, and hopefully many answers (even if probably also many new issues).

Hello world

Then it was time for the new window to open. After an relaxing and inspirational day in compamy of lovely friends, I now try to bring the day to an end.
That I do by just sending out the first small words here, and just saying that we let the future decide what you gone be able to read on this place. For today I have just started to get a temoprery design for it.

But now I belvie both my brain, eyes and fingers should like a break.

I'll be back