Kill off all my demons....

Have just had a movie night by my self here at home. Relaxing, trying to leave the guilty feelings for not getting the things done that I planed to get done...

Starting with a sad one, letting some tears running down my cheek to get some of the tension out ot my body and mind. Sometimes you can just need to cry a bit, even if you not really sad...have you ever felt like that? I do, once in a wail...depending on life around me. And today I tried it out with "Grace is gone". And it worked. The tears flowed for a wail.

Afterwords I thought I should dare my self and hope not finding a too scary thriller here in my lonely darkness. So I rounded off with Transibirian. Yes, I know. Maybe a bit after in the movie world...but such life...you can't get time for everything you want.

But anyway...tonight I saw it...a quite good movie I believe...but the only thing that got stuck in my brain from it, was not really the story it self...it's a quote from the movie...

"Kill off all my demons, Roy, and my angels might die, too."

I found out that the original quote is from Tennessee Williams:

"If I got rid of my demons, I’d lose my angels"

And it's just so true. We people are amazingly good on trying to change other people without success. It's frustrating, I know. But is it ever possible to do a good work on a thing like that.
I'm not so sure about that. The only one that can change me am me. And the only one that can change you are you....so way all this energy on trying to change others instead of our self?

I'm trying to do my best with changing myself. It don't go fast, but it goes. But as my second quote from the movie says: "Life is a journey, not a destination". In other words, I'm on my journey, in both body and mind, and I planing on keeping it going.

The feeling of a curse

Now I definitely know, now I got the last prof....I'm cursed....

Me and my cars. I have been told that I probably easily could keep a blog only about me and my cars. But no, then I have to see it in the eyes to often. But today it's just to much anyway...so way not.

I can't neither cry or laugh. I just feel a empty calm, coldness, tiredness. And one conclution, just do not never ever trust them....never...the cars I mean...

They just make up evil plans. Will see how much problem you can handle and stand before you break. And yes, I have been close, very close. But I still choose, I choose to be happy, or at least to not be too sad. At least I have learned something new today, how to mount back a loose alternator belt...that I haven't done before.

Thanks for helpful people, that it still possible to fine someone of you out there. Life should be so much harder without you....

We don't want to see

It's so much around us we don't want to see or know about, because it's just too much and we feel too small in the big evil world.

One that dare to see, and trying to show is Stephanie Sinclair.

I don't gone try to explain my feelings right now. But please, just check out this video:

Feelings in the crushed mirror

Have you ever felt like you been put down in a blender, so all your feelings get totally sliced and mixed up, thrown around and put back inside you with a feeling of emptiness because they are to many, equalize each other even if so strong?

Or like you see different parts of yourself, if you watched yourself in a crushed mirror lying in small pieces underneath you? Small small parts of you as person. Your mind, your personality, your thoughts, your feelings, your past future and present mixed up at the same time on the same place, from different angles and in different light.

I have, and I don’t know how many times. But as many times at it is, as many different ways they have been mixed. And sometimes it‘s just so liberating after a visit at that place.

Some of the times I meet that place, is when I see the film “Lost and delirious”. Don’t know what it is, but every time I see it, it come so close, deep inside. Different parts depending on time and place. But always so strong.

No one of the characters are like me, I haven’t been in any of their situations. But small parts of their personalities and feelings, mixed up together in a blender, can make parts of me when I see the crushed mirror on my way passing bye.

Stressing life

Today when I sat in the car I saw a moose and its calf running over the street in the middle of all traffic. Tried to find the way, watching out for the cars, looking so confused, lost and stressed.

First I just thought it was cool to see it in a place like that, so close to us people. But when it felt like I could see the frustration in its eyes, I felt something else. Recognising.

That's exactly how I can feel sometimes when I coming in to town, in to city or to shopping centres. It's people and cars everywhere, you can't look anywhere without seeing them. It's noisy. It's frustrating and stressing.

I feel like a lost animal, running around and mostly longing back out to my calm place. It's just to realize once again, I'm not a big city person (even if it can have it's charm some evenings or so). But I'm more of a country girl, wish to live close to the forest and close to water. With a calm around me that I'm the one deciding when I want a break from, not the other way around.

Poor moose's, I really hope they found their way back to the forest before the cars stressed them out totally.

And you out there...remember to enjoy the nature we have...a gift to us all...

Strength and love

Do you have the right to feel satisfied about doing something that should be a matter of course?
Or maybe it's actually not that I feel satisfied about what happened, or rather not happened, but sooner the feeling is because of the discovery and the feeling about that it was just a matter of course even for me.

To have no doubt about the situation. No doubt about where my feelings, heart, and wish is. And because of that no problem what so ever to stand up for me and my.

I have friends in my life that have been given me strength and support at many steps on my way through life. And once again, I can from the bottom of my heart say that I have found a bosom friend again, a person taking a special place in my heart and my mind. Some one that strengthen me as person, in mind, dreams and wishes.

You support me, letting me be me, trust me and love me.
I know I tried to fight it, tried to run, and tried to hide. But I feel so deeply happy I gave up, gave it a chance, and dared to come close to someone again.

You, the prince on the white horse, give me so much energy and warmth. And I just hope that in time I can give you even more back.

Dreams in the clouds

It start to tickle, some place deep inside you. A sparkling warmth. A flame, trying to find it's way. You just want to giggle, jump, or dance around.

Yes, it's a feeling that reminds in different ways about hysterical love. And in one way it maybe is. But it's the love to the life, to YOUR life, and YOUR believes.

It's about getting a dream come alive inside you. Do you know it?
Not only as a weak wish passing bye, but as a strong burning longing. A believe that things can happen, if you really want it to happen.

I believe it's always important to have goals in life. But sometimes some things get more alive in you. And get this special energy running around inside you.

You can't really stop thinking about it. You can't sleep at nights. You just want everything to happening now. Your mind is constantly overloaded, and your body just want to take you around a marathon if needed. As getting in love.

Then it's just try to keep it alive. Live in the feeling, work with the flow, and try to go on in right direction with the dream kept in front of your eyes.

Some type of insight maybe

Tonight we have had a party on board again. The staff from the headquarter in land and us, the crew on board. Three course dinner in the restaurant followed by open bar and live music. A evening full of happy people and really good atmosphere.

For my self, I chose to keep a fairly low profile. And tried to have a nice evening without getting the in otherwise expected hangover for tomorrow (with work waiting early in the morning). And I did had a very nice evening. Felt happy and just enjoyed the time. But still the gnawing feeling in the late hours started to move around inside me.

A feeling of sadness I have felt so many times in many situations after happy hours under nights like this. And I have always associated it with that I'm feeling outside, are the lonely person that no one really want to talk with.

That probably depends on that the feeling is growing much faster in moments when I'm sitting alone, or with people quite near but without being included in the discussion.

And even if it can be a part of the feeling that actually is just about that. I was tonight realizing for the first time that I also think it can have to do with something else too.

I have been needed to work quite hard with my self to be more social as person. It's not a natural thing for me from the beginning. And it's something I'm still working allot with. And a whole evening like this is moment by moment sucking out the storage of energy and "socialness" I have. And the "lonely" moments give me time and possibility too feel how tiered I'm actually starting to be.

And the feeling I'm struggling with is maybe not mostly about loneliness, but about that my social battery is running out of energy for the evening. I maybe haven't got that far with my self to be able to handle this long evenings with a adequate level of socialization, and to be able my self to invite people to be social with me. And that in turn gives an vicious circle to create more "unnecessary" lonely feelings.

But for me it also means, that now when I know I can manage quite long evenings. It going to be possible to manage whole evenings more often in time, as long as I'm going on with my self.

Tonight I managed to get my self to end the partying when the feelings started, and this thought hit me. And instead of feeling even more lonely and depressed (which is easy to do then) I'm now laying in my bed, and feeling not bad at all. Which also is a good step in right direction.

Just keep swimming...

And today I failed....

It's strange how something that you self decide over, and choose how you want to do, how that can make you feel guilty or failing. When it's only you that decide it all.

For some month ago I decided to stop with Coca Cola. It wasn't my first try, but my best. And it has only been a couple of times I have let my self "cheat". And I'm usually not even feeling peckish for it any longer either. And I probably could let my self enjoy one once in a wail the times when I really really feel for it.

But still...when I today did that, I got a feeling of failure. Is it my self-discipline speaking, or is it something else....

The new homepage is out

And the time fly's as usual. Already a week since last time I wrote something here. It has been a busy week with own work, helping my brother move, and trying to reach a respectable level on my homepage. At least a level so I dare to let you people take a so I at least can open up the door for a peek for those friends that want to follow me. And now the work of course is to fill it up with more info and material as soon I have possibility.

But my hope is that I gone be able to keep this blog alive still, with my thoughts, dreams, happenings and life even if I have started another type of Swedish blog too on the site. But here I gone write about more different stuff, or maybe sometime the same if I think it's important enough or if it get me angry enough or something :P

I have gone through many feelings this week, and allot I could have been writing about. But no time was given. And now we have to take it if it comes a next time instead.

Probably I should try to sleep now. That' one of the difficult parts in the discipline right now. The hours of the night is just too good to manage to fall asleep. But I know I should need it. And just hoping the spring sun will meet me in the morning again.

Hope to be back with more different blog text soon.
But if you want to take a peek on the site that have been taking some of my hours from you, you fine it at www.marikae.se

I'll be back =)

Earth hour

I'm sorry for my silence right now. Have had allot to do, trying to meet friends and family, and get organized working no a new homepage for my self and a forum project with a friend. So has been a bit much now.

But soon I'm going to have one hour break, no computer, no tv, and no electric light. One hour silence and breathing for my self and for the earth.

I hope you join in too :)
And I hope I soon gone be back here, writing more about my thoughts and about what's happening.

More footprints in heart and mind

And then it was the second day in row I have seen a movie that leaves a footprint. Has seen the Swedish movie “Män som hatar kvinnor” (= Men that hates women or as the international title is “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”). I got totally stuck in it when I read the books for some time ago now. Amazingly good written story, if I may say. And as usual when seeing a movie where I first read the book, I can just hope that it stand up to my own pictures and shows that has been playing in my mind simultaneous with reading the story. And of course everything wasn’t the same, but I was not at all disappointed.

Yesterday evening I also had read the blog from SolSkugga that she wrote after she had seen it. And she writes about how the movie hits her heart, and how she wonder if others see the real pain in the girls that meet the wrong men out there in the reality too.

And I kept it in mind, took it with me to the cinema. And then it wasn’t only a good thriller I saw. It was also a reminder about that it is a lot of things happening behind the doors out there. And that all people we meet have their story to carry, even if they show it or not. It is a part of what has made us to who we are as persons even if we want it or not.

But how much can we do for it. We can try to be there for people we know, if a disaster hits them. We can try to not turn our blind eyes for what happening around us. But can we handle to bear the burden of the sick society we live in?

I don’t mean that it happening terrible things behind every door. I don’t mean that all men treat women (or other men for that matter either) badly, definitely not. But it happens. And I just can’t understand how a person with own will can hurt another human, neither physically, mentally or emotionally, and then be able to meet the other person’s eyes and still go on with their lives.

What can we do? Were can we start? Who can we help?
I don’t know, but I do try to care.

A part of history, still a pressing issue

I have just seen the movie Milk. For every minute that passed of the movie, it just gave me a greater impression. It’s one of these movies that leave me with a hole inside, a mix of disappointment over humans, a hope about the future, and a believe that it should be possible to change things if you are many enough.

It’s a movie about the gay movement in the USA at the 70s. About the people officially standing in the front, but also about the “regular” queer people and the big crowd that just dared to stand up for their own life’s and/or believes. And it shows one of all occasions when the power of people together with use of the means that are available can manage to change history from the direction it first looks like it is going.

The gay movement still needs to fight in all countries in different levels and matters, but they are exactly that - on the move. It is getting better even if it still far to go. The same is for equality on all fronts, human rights, democracy and so on.

It is many fights to stand. Don’t for get the one that gives their lives in their honest fight for good. And dare to stand up for your own believes.

Back in the free

I’m sorry for my long silence. I have once again been working onboard for a month now, and it is usually difficult to keep up everything from the world outside those weeks even if I’m trying in the degree that is possible when I’m working so much and above all don’t have full access to the net.

But now I’m free again. And I have one more month to spend time with family and friends, and to work on my own things, think through what I want and what I should prioritize.

Right now I’m sitting in an apartment in Torshavn, Faeroe Islands. With a glass of relaxing Dooley/milk by my side, with one eye and ear on the live streaming show of the Swedish final in Eurovision song contest there at home, one ear on the guys playing PEZ in the other room, and the other eye and my brain directed at the laptop in my knee. I’m just feeling good and enjoy life.

But it’s only for some days. I know I today don’t have the life I wish I can get. And I am more and more realising that no one else are going to thank me for doing what they think I should do, for my sake or for their. They don’t know or care about my heart, my dreams or what makes me feeling great. In the long run it’s me that has to take the decisions, find the ways and dare to take the first rambling steps, if I want to get something more. And the more the time goes, I want. I know I want.

The frustrations have started to show up in the corners of my heart and body. And I start to serious see where I can put down the next foot. In what direction, and what dimension. I have taken a couple of extremely small steps in mind and in action to explore the possibilities. And when I told about it for a loved one I go the reaction that many are talking about it but few actually doing something. I know that, and I have probably been one of them that have had a big risk to be one more in that statistics. But I have also had a quite long time to get where I am today in my mind and my heart. But now I can’t let it go.

I can just hope that you gone see where I gone lead my self in the future =)

Horrible thought

Today it just came from now where. An insight in the middle of everything else through the day. It has been here in front of me for a long time. But in a moment I saw it in another light and with other eyes.

If you don't know I can tell you that I right now sitting working on a boat at the North Atlantic. Here we have, as at many other companies, restrictions and an Internet policy. As a result of that we can't surf all type of sites, and the it-man and web sense decides what sites is or is not available to surf on. But the difference here from many other companies is that I don't get home in the evening and can do whatever I want on my own computer. I'm still here, and they still decide.

And now you maybe wonder where I'm trying to get with this.

If companies and government are supposed to decide what we can read, see and do on the Internet. Then the Internet for the whole people is going to be like here onboard or even worse, controlled and slanted. They don't believe there people to be in majority enough to decide what we want to read, see or do. Today I just realized that even if I can do allot from here, and I survive without the rest as long as I'm here, it should be a whole other thing if it was for a whole country or the whole Internet.

I should just feel it so humiliating and as a declaration of incapacity if it shouldn't be our own choice what we want to read, see or do. And not enough with that. They also open up for the next step of brainwashing.

We already now have a media range of newspapers and TV channels that trying to decide what we should think and like. They choose what and how they want to tell us or not. And if we didn't had a chance to make our own choice to search our own information from different sources if we liked to, what should we then believe in, and what would they try to tell us?

I still believe in the right of information, the right of speech, and the right of democracy and I still believe in a majority people that should be adult enough to make their own decision.

We are in a time where the blogosphere is full of fighters for freedom and democracy, people’s right to Internet, freedom of speech and so on. And you can find quite much news articles about the same subjects even if it’s with some other slants maybe. The people living in the time of the Internet are not going to be quiet this time. As more I read as more I get the feeling that it is a war coming. The question is in what dimension and how it gone express. But my believe is that it's on its way. In Sweden the FRA and IPRED laws have got at least some people to react, but then the Swedish government already has taken decisions I never thought should happen.

I can just wish that we never gone give up our believes and hopes.

Who decides the development?

Is it possible to change or stop development? If it's sufficient many people that do one thing or want one thing, can you change that movement of development?

I started to think more about this again now as the Pirate Bay trial are debated allot. I talked with a friend about that the big movie and music companies need to find new ways to go on. That it probably not gone be the same extreme moneys to earn. And my friend then made a interesting simile about that if it was some people that 2018 own some roads, and they decide that people only gone be allowed to drive horse and carriage on this specific roads. Should people stop drive cars then? My guess is that they shouldn't.

But it's not only about downloading and this trial. It's about many things and areas. Just such a thing that we still don't have any well known cars on the market that don't need petrol (or ethanol) to work. Who stops the development? Sometimes you can hear rumor about someone managed to develop a car driving on water or whatever. But still, you never see anything on the market. They say that the oil is going to end, and I believe we gone get a really severe time then. But some were, for me it feels that no one get the chance to show us any solutions. Who and why that is trying to stop it, I gone let be unsaid for now...

Time to wake up

Okay, I confess. I have been really bad on caring about what happening around in the world, in my country and in the society I live in. I have had a period of time when I considered myself needed to think of myself in the first place and didn't had so much energy to care about everything else.

But sometimes it can't stay down, this feeling of irritation and disappointment over humanity and people with "power". And I start to realize that it's not only good to turn a blind eye to everything happening around me. What if every one else should do the same?

Even if I'm for the moment sitting out at sea working on a boat, with some restrictions of the use of Internet I do can reach quite much information anyway. And I start to read a couple of blogs from an old friend of mine and it felt like I started to wake up a bit again.

If you don't already know I can tell you that right now it's a trial in Sweden against the people behind The Pirate Bay. It has made the blogosphere hot and steamy. People report, discuss and make their standpoint clear.

I have only been reading an extremely little bit of everything that says about this whole thing. And my first reaction is that it's just an unfair combat between superpowers of states and companies, and on the other side the human beings, there rights, democratic will and dreams about the future.

Right now my hope and wish is that whatever the verdict of this trial gets, I hope it gone wake more people up then me.



The Swedish blog that was a part of helping me to wake up again:
http://jimmy.arogen.net/?p=143

Peace and calm

And the decision anxiety was over for now. And I realize that I had forgot how good it feels to have taken a special decision.

Ya, my brother tried to remind me the other day. But it didn't helped at all for the moment. He tried to be so helpfull and I could just don't see it.

But some where it feels like when I had reached a maximum level of anxiety and agony, my brain just gave up. I'm to tierd, I stop thinking so much and I do what I maybe should have done earlier to avoid all this. I go to action.

And actually I do it on two fronts at the same time. When I reached the limit for the last decision I had to take, I maybe realiced that I needed to do the same on an other area of life too, to be able to go on.

I got to the conclusion that if I don't try I never gone know. If I don't do anything the time just gone run out, and I still gone stand there wondering it things could have been different.

And then I probably should not think so little about myself either. And dare to let go a bit more of the fear to make mistakes. I have come a bit on the way with that one. But it's still more to go...

But to take the decisions and make a action have right now just filled me with a strange type of peace and calm that spread itself out in my whole body. It feels like I had forgot how it was to be relaxed. And even if I know that it's more steps on the way, answeres to get and so on. Right now I have just landed in a big cloud of calm.

Constant decision anxiety

How come that it always need to be something. Am I not alowed to get a easy moment for my brain anytime?

Ying and yang, some bad and some good. Or maybe good against good or bad against bad. One thing against another. Take this and leave that, leave this and get that, heads or tails.

I know I probably shouldn't hate it at all. Me, that dreams about the free life. And if that shouldn't contain options then it probably should be something strange.

But still...I can just feel someone put there hand through my navel, grab my intestine and turning it around time after time. I can almost hear the blood pumping in my ears when the heart increasing the speed. And someone else could probably see how it start to come out smoke from them too, as the braincells start to have a raveparty with out my permission.

When it's about some routings in my life I have soooo difficoult to both know and decide what I want and what should be best. Where to live? How to live? Career ladder, no career ladder? With whom, for whom? So many "to be or not to be".

Sometimes it feels like it should be so much easier just to be one of them with the dream about the little family or about the mapped way in the career life.

But it feels like my dreams is in another world. And I'm just trying to match the steps I need to take here in every routing I passing by. Where to put down the next foot....

What is logic

Usualy I like logical problems. I have got to know that I'm not to bad of logical thinking in different ways. To see patterns in IQ tests is quite fun, and usualy not too hard if it wasent for the time pressure sometimes.

And logical thinking is something that can be needed in many situations in life.

I have so many times heard that computers is logical. They can't do anything them self, but just what they have been told. And they follow it in a logical way. Hmmm, but I don't know if I want to agree totaly any more.

Yes, I know programming is very logic. That's probably why I like it. And I know computers are programmed. But somewhere along the way something have to happend. I think it happends so much strange things in the computers, they have an own life. I just haven't figure out who, how and where it all comes alive. Someone haveing any clue to give me?

Untill then I probably have to go on with my own small wars against the non logical happenings in the world of "logical" computers.

Gold medal to patient parents

I love children, I realy do. My special prince is my 3,5 year old nephew. But after beeing away in a cottage in the snowy mountins for some days together with 6 other adults, one 3,5 year old, one 8 month old, and two dogs. I'm kind of tierd in my head, and have a bit of a lack of patience.

Even if I'm used to have people around I usualy need some moments of silence and relaxation. I could manage this days, when I know that after this I could go back home to my place in my own loneliness. But it's something else for the parents for this small children.

I also had the benefit to be allowed to go away, or shut down my ears when it was "fights", when fatigue and obstinacy stand agains each other, when tears spurts and there is not enough air in the lungs to scream more. Because I'm not the one with the responsibility. But it's something else for the parents.

It's one thing to be the nice aunt that comes with presents some time just because I want to. Playing around and making funny things. Or help out leaving to the day nursery sometimes to give him a bit more sleep in the morning. That's one thing, and I love it. But be a parent?!

I give all credit to all patient parents. Maybe it is like one of my friends sad, "I belive that when you get a child you also get extra patience". And I'm totaly willing to belive in that one.

Gold medal to patient parents of small children!

Can muscles speak?

I can't understand why the body don't can just cooperate with me. I have learnd that the body and all it's muscles want to be used by me. But now days I'm not so sure about how true that is.

If that should be true, why should the body punish me as it does?
Last saturday I was on Yoga for the first time. Relaxing, streaching, good feeling, tiering but nice. And about 36 hours after, the muscles start to say what they thought about it. Some kind of pain.

Now I have spent two days here up in the snowy mountins skiing. And already this morning it started. And now in the evening the muscles once again start to say what they think about this whole thing. Why can they just don't be happy for me using them?

I guess that right now the question is mostly about stubbornness who is going to win the fight tomorrow morning. Because I'm loading for one more day in the slope before we go back home on sunday.

My experiance tells me that it's possible to get quite far on stubbornness, so I hope it works even against this...

Work break...winterland, here I come...

After some days stuck in front of the computer, enjoying the time getting in to the world of code and creativity. It's now time to a break.

Its with mixed feelings I go away with parts of my family up to the winterland, for some skiing and maybe some other adventure. Probably gone be a great time, playing around with my loved nephew.

Yet, I cant' realy let go of the feeling of some stress and irritation that I gone miss my computer, and to have the time learning more. But I know I have one and a half week left more in sweden after this days too, before it's time for the sea. So I have time for it to...

So now I gone try to relax and just have fun and try to not think to much of the things I want to do here at home....strange that it can be so fun to work that you create things for it your self.

Anyway....have to run...hope to be back in one piece after the weekend.

Find your glow

Some times I wonder what it is that makes the difference. But I know it does in someway. Your mind and your mental state makes a difference in how people see you, your look and your personality.

It affect you and the movement around you. How people treats you, and how you see your self. How much you manage in time and energy. One thing leads to another.

Days when you feel that the world lays under your feet. You just are happy in your self, doing things you like, and belive in that good things are going to happend. Those days gives you an extra energy. It's like it's spreads in the air around us. That the aura grows and almost make us shiny.

To find a way to live, where you can have days that gives this energy. That should be so much worth, for one and all of us. Of course you probably have some better days and some worse. That's probably impossible to get away from. But it's too many people that don't have any of this days any more. And I refuse to believe that it has to be like that, that people can't start to shine again.

And when a individual are there it's usualy an contagious thing. The movement that starts around them is usualy not only good things happening them personaly. It's also like they sending away loaded electrons to the people they meet. And some of the recipients merge with it for a moment, and it tries to open the looked door to the inner rooms. But then it's up to the recipient to make the choice and the work. Because no one can do it or find it for you. That you have to do for your self.

And nor do I belive that all people can find this energy in the same way. Why should all people be in need of the same things, be happy of the same things or dream about the same things? We are individuals! And I belive that makes a big difference for each of us in which needs we realy have, and what we need to find.

Don't forget the reality, but try to find YOUR way to YOUR energy and your own happiness. It is out there somewhere...

Toys toys toys...me likes...

Usualy I have different periods when I prioritize different things in life. Neither is time or money usualy enough in my life to do and have everything I wish to. And for a wail I have been given priority to experience, social life with family and friends, and now says start up with some projects for my self.

But today my carving of material things started to stir for a moment. I have spent the day on a exhibition for bikes, atvs and other nice toys. Things things and more funny things. And I wish I had my house with the barn or large garage for the space and the money for possibility to buy all many of this funny things. Have possibility to choose depending on day and temper. Race, custom, cross-country or what ever. That should be so much fun :)

And who knows. Maybe I gone be able to experience that some day in my life if I still want to. But today I have to choose between the alternatives. And I wonder if I should start to listen more to the side of me that longs quite much after adrenaline and speed, or if I should keep on listening to the more careful and sensible part of me that got me to start with the custom bike from the beginning.

Hard to settle. Probably should sleep on it a couple of nights before I make some rashed impulse item of bigger size.

But dreaming is always permissible...

Meditational exhibition

We opened the door and steped in. In the same second we got surrounded of an atmosphere filled with calm and peace. A relaxing background sound meeting the ears in a driping way at the same time my eyes take in the sight of a glimery water feeling reflecting up on a big screen on the other side of the room.

The most of the room is filled with water, full of brightly-coloured carps swiming around in the smooth and still world. It's one spotlight shining up the place. With strong intensity it focus down to the middle of the water where you can see the carps playing around.
In the other end of the room you have the screen picking up the reflections from the light meeting the water surface. And everytime any one of the carps touch at the surface it gives us a direct reaction and a new nice pattern shows up and moves around in the reflected area on the screen.

A couple of times you could see the timing between the music in the background and the movement of the Carps. When they thoutch the surface in the exact right time and strength to create a movement in the pattern on the screen that growing stronger in the same rate as the music. Impressive...

Have just been visiting a very nice exhitition. A meditational meeting between me and "Taptim" made of the artist Frerik Wretman, that you can see on Färgfabriken here in Österund for the moment.

It's a meeting with nature in a humen made world, a meeting between something organic in a way that leads to something that gives a feeling of digital creation.

So nice, and very interesting...an yet so simple.

If you have the chans you should see it with your own eyes. It's impossible to recreate in words.
In other case you maybe can see a gleam of it in one of SolSkuggas comming musicvideos, where she is going to work with that as a background. That going to be an interesting combination. Looking forward to see it.

The vulnerable society

It’s cold outside, freezing cold. And in the middle of work in the studio all electricity died around us. The lights went out, the internet got down, and we got standing as question mark. We all four went out from the rooms we were working in and looked at each other. What now? And then we sat down and just chatted, relaxed and took a cup of tea/coffie. We got more social instead =)

But once again I god a reminder about how vulnerable we humans have made our self. The most of us in this country totally hand over the responsibility to someone else to deliver warmth and light to us. And we count on that they can handle it to 100%. We get surprised when they can’t handle this responsibility, and quite fast we feel naked and vulnerable.

Could we make it if we need to live life without electricity? We should need to learn a totally different life. We should probably need to listen even more to the older people with more and longer experience in life, that knows more about the old days and the “harder life”. Then the rules should change around a bit in the whole society.

Some times I believe we have spoilt our self a bit too much. I do like new stuff, technique, computers definitely, and interesting things happening around us. But are we making our self to depending on other?

Feeling of Hope

The warming sun shins down from a clear and blue sky. I feel a calm and happiness in my body when I’m sitting and watching out over the Swedish countryside and landscape passing bye, and letting Teiturs Faeroes tones reach my ears and make the feelings even stronger.

I can see all the trees swishing by, together with small villages, a bit of water now and then, and everything swimming around in the sunshine. After a wail it’s almost like I can see the snow growing up from the ground. It not much yet, but it’s a bit white lightening up a bit of the dark green and grey the nature show up this time a year. I am sitting on a train on the way a bit north, to Östersund where one of my loved friends has moved to. I am going to spend a week there, full of projects and fun. I feel the inspiration in both my body and mind.

And the already good feelings I had when I started this day got even more energy on the way. When I started the trip I picket up a Metro paper on the run. Even if I know it’s kind of important to be following a bit of what happening in the world. I usually have difficulties to stay reading newspapers and see news on the tv. It’s to much negative influences. They always shows all problems and all depressing things with the world. If I’m supposed to be staying here on this earth, hopefully for many years to come, I need to see the hope. And I’m not the only one.

I have for a long time been thinking of if it was possible to create a place for happy and positive news to be seen, where hope can be given. And in the Metro Newspaper it was a article where they had been talking with Bosse Angelöw about this. That we need to see hope, and get a balance in the information. And Bosse has been writing a book about good things that happens in the world, “Glädjerapporten” (≈ Report of happiness). I haven’t seen the book yet, so don’t know much more about it. But everything don’t need to be so dark.

I’m a girl that put the problems in the world, and the problems in my own life aside for a moment, to just enjoy the beauty in life, in the nature passing by, and in people I meet.

To fight against made up laws

For a wail now I have start to feel pugnacious agains the thought that I'm not allowed to feel that I am good enough on anything. That I can something about alot of things, but not enough to stand up for what I'm doing and that I do a really good work.

For me it is a matter of course that I don't know "enough". Because enough mean that you don't need to learn more. And I can probably never agree with that. It's always alot more to learn about everything. But on the way I need to get to points for different things where I feel that I'm good enough to stand for what I'm doing. I'm not the best and I'm not the worst but I am me.

In sweden we still have some problems with what we call "jantelagen", or what they in austalia call the "tall poppies syndrome". An unwritten law we grow up with. It's about that you not supposed to belive that you are something special.

I have nice and decent followed the line. Working hard in the dark corners and not made much of a sound anywhere. That has probably slowed me down quiet much.
But simultaneously with that my dreams has been growing through the years, I have start to make fissures in the solid shell of "nobody-ness". And lately I feel like I have started to bend this fissures apart with my bare hands.

I starting to take steps out in the world. In work, with friends, in the cyber, in projects. I dear to show a bit more of my self, my mind and my life. What I'm doing and what I wish to do. Reflekting my dreams and at the same time lighting up a bit of my path.

It's still not that I think I'm better then every one else. But I think I can manage things. I belive in my self in another way then before. But I still love to hear other peoples adventures, experiences and lifes etc. Every person has there own story, and every person has something you can learn from him/her.

Some times I can feel like I am a fighter in a quiet mouse body. Maybe it's time to live that mouse home alone at the cage a bit more in the future and dear to go on with challengeing my self. I'm not only the quiet girl in the corner any longer.

Singel-track minded peolpe

Sometimes I feel so sad about how people function and act. Why we just seems too be so extreamly singel-track minded.

Can't we spend time with one another just because we having alot of fun together, air our opinions about nothing and everything, give one another some good laughter and just enjoy the company of each other.

Why should it be so impossible for grown-ups to be good friends without including sex? Does everything need to end up in sex? Is the nice company I spend, with people I want to see as friends, nothing worth if they don't get the last part?

That gets me to feel like I'm only there for one thing. It makes me sad that the meeting with me as person don't seem to be more worth then a nice lay. And it makes me sad that I need to be loosing friends like them totaly.

It actually feels like it's about paying with sex to get friendship and nice social times. But that's not what I'm intrested in. I want to get to know people that can spend time together for fun, for growing and for enjoymend in life without the ulterior motive to end up with getting a lay.

I actually have a couple of friends that have this rare way to be able to be close. We talking, discussing, dreaming and sharing thoughs about almost everything. Working together, doing funny things together, and just lay on the side of one another long nights. But by the time you get older, it seem to just get harder to find this rare people.

I just hope I gone meet more of you out there some where. I know we can't be alown, even if we not equipet with the most common state of mind.

Lost

So easy you can deceive your self. Or atleast I can. I have for a long time known that I have a bit of a lack about local content. But I actuallt started to belive that I had got a little bit better on it, and feelt quite good about it.

But no way. I'm not so sure about that one any longer.

I'm at present in Hamburg with the boat. And yesturday me and one of my colleagues went up to city centre for a nice meal and a walk through some stores. It feelt very good and we just had a nice time away outside our bunker we usualy spend the most of the time in.

We went all the way up there. And on the way back we choosed between walking back or taking the underground a couple of stations. But it was a very nice, even if cold, evening. So why not walk abit more. We know how we got here, so it can't be too difficoult to find back.

And it started out quite good. We found the direction we got from. But then we thought we maybe coult get a bit of variation by taking another way just on the side that looked nice. And so we did. The only thing was that it seems like that way turned a bit in wrong direction without me realy notice it. So after a wail when we start to feel that we didn't recognized anything any longer, we found a map at a undergroundstation. We found out that we in some way had ended up in the opposite side of city centre, even if we started walking in the right direction from the beginning. So then we ended up taking the underground a couple of stations anyway...

But I trying to learn to see things positive. And for the moment we had no time to watch, or no one waiting for us or anything. So we just got the chanse to see abit more nice parts of the town. And also try out the undergroundssystem. So not much to complain about.

I probably just should take it as a reminder to not trust my feeling for local content to much... =)

Communication and life

Then some days had just run away again. I'm out at sea and have had quite much to do the last days. Feels good to be here. I just love it, and hate it. Usualy at the same time =)

But right now it's maybe not realy hate. More the irritated, stressed, chocked feeling wandering around inside me. Once again I have got reminded about the importens of good communication.

I can't realy see how difficult it should be to go out in time when things are decided and inform people that in some way can be affected. In some companies it can affect some persons if a "main system" close down for a couple of weeks even if the activity for the moment not are running. Other parties can maybe be needing big amounts of information or something like that. And with a preworning with e-mail about 3 hours before the shutdown at same time with other work running, it some times can be difficoult to prepare a couple of weeks work for a couple of different persons. But for some companies that maybe normal procedure, what do I know.

But it's not only in the world of companies and business that communication is very importent. It's even more important among friends, family and loved ones. Not talking and not knowing is usualy alot more painful then it should need to be.

Maybe it not always possible to have it like that, with good communication I meen. But to guess what's happening with someone that you don't see or don't hear from, you have no idea about the answer. And at least my brain often tries to tell me the worse alternative instead of the nicest and best. Don't realy understand why it's needed to be like that, but it's very easy to get there especialy in some specific areas in life. That a person can't answere the phone for the moment don't meen you need to be ignored. To not get an aswere on a mail, don't need to meen that the person ever want to see you again. And to not get contact in any way for a wail don't meen the person necessarily gone disappear for ever out of your life. Maybe they just are a bit busy for the moment, a bit drunk, having problems with the technique, or maybe all at the same time.

I probably just hate the thought about loosing people I love...