Some type of insight maybe

Tonight we have had a party on board again. The staff from the headquarter in land and us, the crew on board. Three course dinner in the restaurant followed by open bar and live music. A evening full of happy people and really good atmosphere.

For my self, I chose to keep a fairly low profile. And tried to have a nice evening without getting the in otherwise expected hangover for tomorrow (with work waiting early in the morning). And I did had a very nice evening. Felt happy and just enjoyed the time. But still the gnawing feeling in the late hours started to move around inside me.

A feeling of sadness I have felt so many times in many situations after happy hours under nights like this. And I have always associated it with that I'm feeling outside, are the lonely person that no one really want to talk with.

That probably depends on that the feeling is growing much faster in moments when I'm sitting alone, or with people quite near but without being included in the discussion.

And even if it can be a part of the feeling that actually is just about that. I was tonight realizing for the first time that I also think it can have to do with something else too.

I have been needed to work quite hard with my self to be more social as person. It's not a natural thing for me from the beginning. And it's something I'm still working allot with. And a whole evening like this is moment by moment sucking out the storage of energy and "socialness" I have. And the "lonely" moments give me time and possibility too feel how tiered I'm actually starting to be.

And the feeling I'm struggling with is maybe not mostly about loneliness, but about that my social battery is running out of energy for the evening. I maybe haven't got that far with my self to be able to handle this long evenings with a adequate level of socialization, and to be able my self to invite people to be social with me. And that in turn gives an vicious circle to create more "unnecessary" lonely feelings.

But for me it also means, that now when I know I can manage quite long evenings. It going to be possible to manage whole evenings more often in time, as long as I'm going on with my self.

Tonight I managed to get my self to end the partying when the feelings started, and this thought hit me. And instead of feeling even more lonely and depressed (which is easy to do then) I'm now laying in my bed, and feeling not bad at all. Which also is a good step in right direction.

Just keep swimming...

And today I failed....

It's strange how something that you self decide over, and choose how you want to do, how that can make you feel guilty or failing. When it's only you that decide it all.

For some month ago I decided to stop with Coca Cola. It wasn't my first try, but my best. And it has only been a couple of times I have let my self "cheat". And I'm usually not even feeling peckish for it any longer either. And I probably could let my self enjoy one once in a wail the times when I really really feel for it.

But still...when I today did that, I got a feeling of failure. Is it my self-discipline speaking, or is it something else....

The new homepage is out

And the time fly's as usual. Already a week since last time I wrote something here. It has been a busy week with own work, helping my brother move, and trying to reach a respectable level on my homepage. At least a level so I dare to let you people take a so I at least can open up the door for a peek for those friends that want to follow me. And now the work of course is to fill it up with more info and material as soon I have possibility.

But my hope is that I gone be able to keep this blog alive still, with my thoughts, dreams, happenings and life even if I have started another type of Swedish blog too on the site. But here I gone write about more different stuff, or maybe sometime the same if I think it's important enough or if it get me angry enough or something :P

I have gone through many feelings this week, and allot I could have been writing about. But no time was given. And now we have to take it if it comes a next time instead.

Probably I should try to sleep now. That' one of the difficult parts in the discipline right now. The hours of the night is just too good to manage to fall asleep. But I know I should need it. And just hoping the spring sun will meet me in the morning again.

Hope to be back with more different blog text soon.
But if you want to take a peek on the site that have been taking some of my hours from you, you fine it at www.marikae.se

I'll be back =)