Constant decision anxiety

How come that it always need to be something. Am I not alowed to get a easy moment for my brain anytime?

Ying and yang, some bad and some good. Or maybe good against good or bad against bad. One thing against another. Take this and leave that, leave this and get that, heads or tails.

I know I probably shouldn't hate it at all. Me, that dreams about the free life. And if that shouldn't contain options then it probably should be something strange.

But still...I can just feel someone put there hand through my navel, grab my intestine and turning it around time after time. I can almost hear the blood pumping in my ears when the heart increasing the speed. And someone else could probably see how it start to come out smoke from them too, as the braincells start to have a raveparty with out my permission.

When it's about some routings in my life I have soooo difficoult to both know and decide what I want and what should be best. Where to live? How to live? Career ladder, no career ladder? With whom, for whom? So many "to be or not to be".

Sometimes it feels like it should be so much easier just to be one of them with the dream about the little family or about the mapped way in the career life.

But it feels like my dreams is in another world. And I'm just trying to match the steps I need to take here in every routing I passing by. Where to put down the next foot....

What is logic

Usualy I like logical problems. I have got to know that I'm not to bad of logical thinking in different ways. To see patterns in IQ tests is quite fun, and usualy not too hard if it wasent for the time pressure sometimes.

And logical thinking is something that can be needed in many situations in life.

I have so many times heard that computers is logical. They can't do anything them self, but just what they have been told. And they follow it in a logical way. Hmmm, but I don't know if I want to agree totaly any more.

Yes, I know programming is very logic. That's probably why I like it. And I know computers are programmed. But somewhere along the way something have to happend. I think it happends so much strange things in the computers, they have an own life. I just haven't figure out who, how and where it all comes alive. Someone haveing any clue to give me?

Untill then I probably have to go on with my own small wars against the non logical happenings in the world of "logical" computers.

Gold medal to patient parents

I love children, I realy do. My special prince is my 3,5 year old nephew. But after beeing away in a cottage in the snowy mountins for some days together with 6 other adults, one 3,5 year old, one 8 month old, and two dogs. I'm kind of tierd in my head, and have a bit of a lack of patience.

Even if I'm used to have people around I usualy need some moments of silence and relaxation. I could manage this days, when I know that after this I could go back home to my place in my own loneliness. But it's something else for the parents for this small children.

I also had the benefit to be allowed to go away, or shut down my ears when it was "fights", when fatigue and obstinacy stand agains each other, when tears spurts and there is not enough air in the lungs to scream more. Because I'm not the one with the responsibility. But it's something else for the parents.

It's one thing to be the nice aunt that comes with presents some time just because I want to. Playing around and making funny things. Or help out leaving to the day nursery sometimes to give him a bit more sleep in the morning. That's one thing, and I love it. But be a parent?!

I give all credit to all patient parents. Maybe it is like one of my friends sad, "I belive that when you get a child you also get extra patience". And I'm totaly willing to belive in that one.

Gold medal to patient parents of small children!