Tonight we have had a party on board again. The staff from the headquarter in land and us, the crew on board. Three course dinner in the restaurant followed by open bar and live music. A evening full of happy people and really good atmosphere.
For my self, I chose to keep a fairly low profile. And tried to have a nice evening without getting the in otherwise expected hangover for tomorrow (with work waiting early in the morning). And I did had a very nice evening. Felt happy and just enjoyed the time. But still the gnawing feeling in the late hours started to move around inside me.
A feeling of sadness I have felt so many times in many situations after happy hours under nights like this. And I have always associated it with that I'm feeling outside, are the lonely person that no one really want to talk with.
That probably depends on that the feeling is growing much faster in moments when I'm sitting alone, or with people quite near but without being included in the discussion.
And even if it can be a part of the feeling that actually is just about that. I was tonight realizing for the first time that I also think it can have to do with something else too.
I have been needed to work quite hard with my self to be more social as person. It's not a natural thing for me from the beginning. And it's something I'm still working allot with. And a whole evening like this is moment by moment sucking out the storage of energy and "socialness" I have. And the "lonely" moments give me time and possibility too feel how tiered I'm actually starting to be.
And the feeling I'm struggling with is maybe not mostly about loneliness, but about that my social battery is running out of energy for the evening. I maybe haven't got that far with my self to be able to handle this long evenings with a adequate level of socialization, and to be able my self to invite people to be social with me. And that in turn gives an vicious circle to create more "unnecessary" lonely feelings.
But for me it also means, that now when I know I can manage quite long evenings. It going to be possible to manage whole evenings more often in time, as long as I'm going on with my self.
Tonight I managed to get my self to end the partying when the feelings started, and this thought hit me. And instead of feeling even more lonely and depressed (which is easy to do then) I'm now laying in my bed, and feeling not bad at all. Which also is a good step in right direction.
Just keep swimming...
For my self, I chose to keep a fairly low profile. And tried to have a nice evening without getting the in otherwise expected hangover for tomorrow (with work waiting early in the morning). And I did had a very nice evening. Felt happy and just enjoyed the time. But still the gnawing feeling in the late hours started to move around inside me.
A feeling of sadness I have felt so many times in many situations after happy hours under nights like this. And I have always associated it with that I'm feeling outside, are the lonely person that no one really want to talk with.
That probably depends on that the feeling is growing much faster in moments when I'm sitting alone, or with people quite near but without being included in the discussion.
And even if it can be a part of the feeling that actually is just about that. I was tonight realizing for the first time that I also think it can have to do with something else too.
I have been needed to work quite hard with my self to be more social as person. It's not a natural thing for me from the beginning. And it's something I'm still working allot with. And a whole evening like this is moment by moment sucking out the storage of energy and "socialness" I have. And the "lonely" moments give me time and possibility too feel how tiered I'm actually starting to be.
And the feeling I'm struggling with is maybe not mostly about loneliness, but about that my social battery is running out of energy for the evening. I maybe haven't got that far with my self to be able to handle this long evenings with a adequate level of socialization, and to be able my self to invite people to be social with me. And that in turn gives an vicious circle to create more "unnecessary" lonely feelings.
But for me it also means, that now when I know I can manage quite long evenings. It going to be possible to manage whole evenings more often in time, as long as I'm going on with my self.
Tonight I managed to get my self to end the partying when the feelings started, and this thought hit me. And instead of feeling even more lonely and depressed (which is easy to do then) I'm now laying in my bed, and feeling not bad at all. Which also is a good step in right direction.
Just keep swimming...
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